| Have I mentioned over and over how much I want out? Have I made it so clear that I am dying a little bit each day? I have so much I need to get off my chest right now, I can't even think where to begin.
It's my life. Life under my parents roof is like hands of death grasping my thickly neck and wringing it dry of all life. Their rules are ludicrist, they are unreasonable. I don't feel like I can life as a 21 year old.
Maybe I am just being a selfish spoiled brat. They ask so little of me, and I give nothing in return. So maybe it is only right that when my mom asks me to do something, but I am human and I forget, that she punish me like I am still 14. Yes, I am 21 and punishment still befalls me because apparently I am not an adult yet.
Maybe I am being immature about this. I deserved it right? My mother told me to do something last night, but I got distracted talkin to someone online last night that I forgot. So maybe she had every right to wake me up and yell harshly at me. Maybe she had every right to dismantle the hub of my communication like she has always done before.
I was at fault right? I didn't do what told and therefore I should be punished like a 14 year old? Maybe it IS for the best. I am online godly hours of the night, when I should really be doing my homework. No, thats not it. Yes, i am online talking, but I do get my homework done...somewhat.
I am just making excuses again. I do get distracted easily.
I don't want to think about it. I might cry again, and i don't wish to...me being in the computer lab and all.
I was like an immature brat. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand it, what she did, what my parents were doing, and i broke down and i couldn't stop crying. I was crying for so many reasons. Crying in leu of punishment, crying because of the death inside me, crying for myself, crying in pain. I wasn't happy this morning. I cried. I haven't cried like that..well, since my last journal entry I posted where I broke down and cried.
I couldn't take it so I told my mother I would just drive myself today. I didn't want to be in the car with her. I'd suffocate and die.
"I'm leaving, I'll be driving myself"
"Fine by me"
I walked downstairs, my things already in my car, and started crying again. Great! Just when I thought I had stopped. I started driving away toward school, crying half way drive there.
I don't know how I will last today when I get to the cafeteria. I don't want to break down infront of my friends. It will look like a huge katie moment.
I think friends are the only thing right now that bring me happiness. Family and family values can just be fucked down the drain. I don't believe in them anymore. I don't think i will believe in them untill i move out and start to miss them after several years.
I am just so upset right now, I am suprized I was able to think clearly and drive myself here. The whole entire drive, I kept having this internal monolouge going, my thoughts felt as if someone had pressed the FF button on a VCR.
I am not sure if my mom is serious this time about my computer being confiscated. Usualy when this happens, i get it back either with in the nite, or with in 2 days. What if she is serious this time? I am so addicted to aim and the internet that it hurts when I think I can't be online at night. Maybe I need to get off this addiction. May it is for the best. I don't want it though. The internet is to me as Suki was to her LJ. Maybe like her, i need a hiatus.
I am going to be immature and bratty and whine and say "I don't wanna!" I have to think of my future right, even though in my last entry i stated how i don't like doing so? Maybe i have to think whats important to me-..no wait..what's important to my parents. Maybe my happiness doesn't matter when I live under their roof.
*sigh*
so the song "I'm not ready to grow up"...I guess thats me.. I don't wanna but i have to. I hate life. Maybe I would have loved it better if I had different set of parents?
I just want someonoe to take me away. I want to leave. I want someone to make all the pain go away. I need out. I want out. I want someone to save me. I am drowning and i need a life preserver.
Honestly now, This sailor moon CD, dispite it being english...is really making me feel better. It's actually helping me not cry right now, since i wanted to do it so badly when i came in.
That, and having a green lighter go missing because Havoc took it when Roy took his matches...XD..Gotta love Havoc and his smoking addiction. |
